Dark Times

01 ~ Uncomfortably Numb
It’s like something inside you has been yearning for a release. Yet you ignore its plea, choosing to cloak yourself in a blanket of numbness. It’s so much easier that way... to delay the pain, delay facing the truth. Escapism? Maybe. Convenient? Definitely.

I was brought out of this numbness I’d been harbouring for months today by a pinprick of a stupid novel character who uncannily resembled me – strong exterior, hollow interior. As the fictional character struggled with the immense task of making the right decisions, those concerning her personal and professional life, I relived my misery with her. I laughed when she shot down anal retentive people with a retort and felt a dull pain in my chest when she tried to find answers to life’s questions at the bottom of a tequila bottle.

I felt the pain. I was filled with empathy. After god-know-how-long I could feel something warm trickle down my cheeks. Was I crying? Yes, I was. Isn’t that good – letting pain just flow out of your system? But what’s this! I expected at least a tsunami to break open the emotional floodgates. And what do I get? All the intensity of a leaking tap squeezing out the last remains of a 99.9 per cent empty water reservoir! Fuck, I can’t even cry properly! What kind of a loser am I?

02 ~ The best position to lay in bed when depressed
Fetal position’s the best when you’re lying in your bed, feeling yourself sink deeper and deeper with every passing second. You know why? Because when numbness fades away and the floodgates of emotions and dark thoughts suddenly break open, you can always hide the waterworks within yourself. Of course, the strategy’s a total crap - it’s like an animal sticking its head in a burrow and thinking no one can see it now - but still staring at the ceiling while tears gush forth from that lonely cavity within doesn’t seem very nice. It makes you feel empty – no, make that emptier than ever. Still worse is inanimate objects staring at your from either side of your bed; makes you feel like your existence is a joke. Hence, shut everything out, feel the pain and get over with it.

03 ~ No Lithium :: Shower Therapy
I dragged myself out of bed about an hour ago. Yes, I am a certified depressive who goes through frequent bouts of mood swings. I had to force myself to take a shower. I believe in shower therapy. It usually works, that is if I can manage to drag myself out of bed. So I took a shower. Oh, I’ve already mentioned that. But the shower pulled a fast one on me. Mid-shower, hot water ran out. So I guess the therapy kinda lost its impact gauging from my current mood.
Mood: Definitely grouchy to say the least
Caution: Stay away, might bite