Ban Extreme Stupidity on TV: Send Kellie Home

Okay children. Tonight, we are going to learn something important. It’s called ‘How Not To Make An Ass Of Yourself On National Television'. And volunteering for tonight’s show is the original dumb blonde - American Idol contestant Kellie Pickler!


Mockingbird: Kellie, after your Tuesday night’s performance, you have been credited with unwittingly slapping a ‘horror’ tag to the 1990 movie Ghost.

Kellie Pickler: Gee… have I? Err… is that good or bad?

Mockingbird: Err.. bad because your rendition of Unchained Melody was horrendous! Really, what the fuck was that?

Kellie: Aww… did I butcher the song? I’m so sorry.

Mockingbird: Darling, you not only butchered the song, you single-handedly massacred every single eardrum that was tuned in Tuesday night or whatever night they air the show in other countries. It was the most robotic, emotionless performance in the history of karaoke singing. It was, as Simon Cowell would say, an utter mess from beginning to end.

Kellie: Ryan, can I have the community snot rag, please…

Mockingbird: Performances aside, did you know that the song was written by film composer Alex North as a theme for a 1955 flick Unchained and the lyrics, which tells of a prisoner’s anguish over his girlfriend, was penned by Hy Zaret?

Kellie: It was? Aww.. I was thinking it was written by The Righteous Brothers in collaboration with LeAnn Rimes and sung by Patrick Swayze for Demi Moore, which turned out to be pretty sad for Demi Moore because Bruce Willis got jealous and divorced her! Sad, because I like happy endings.

Mockingbird: So America, if you like happy endings too, please send Kellie home… if they are willing to take her back. And judge Paula Abdul too to a good therapist – she seriously needs help.